Things Naruto and Cast will never say!
by Guardian Craze
Summary: Hello! These are things Naruto and cast will never say! Chapter three... Orochimaru, Haku, Ino, and Sarutobi! Enjoy! Very random. I just wanted to do something on my spare time! the rating went up for suggestive themes. I'm told it was very funny
1. Chapter 1

AJ: alright! I made too many dark stories, so I decided to lighten the mood! Today, we're going to explore what the Naruto characters will never say and do! Enjoy!

--X--

**Naruto**

-What the fuck is Hokage?

-I hate ramen…

-You know… I want to become a rapper. I hate being a ninja.

-Hey Hinata! I love you!

-I hate you Sakura.

-I love killing people! Woohoo!!!

-I'm gay.

-I am not a winy jackass!

-I hate all of you. Leave me alone before I kill you!

-I'm ugly.

- (talking to Shikamaru) I agree with that statement. Not many people understand the economics of cold fusion, which we will use to change the universe!!!

-Hokage is for chumps.

-I feel healthy today.

-I… am… Batman!!!

-I'm not a chic magnet.

-Why am I hated? Why- (gets glomped by Sakura and were both kissing each other)

**Sasuke**

-I am not an emo!

-Yay! Fan girls!

-I love you Itachi!

- (singing) I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts…

-I love each and every one of you!

-What the hell is the sharingun?

-I hate red eyes… I'll get green contacts!

-I love you Sakura.

-Screw revenge, I'm getting hammered!

-I'm not gay…

-Yes, I am handsome!

-I would kill the sexiest person in the world, but Naruto never did anything bad to me.

-I need you to revive my clan. So will you do it Naruto?

-The hell with Itachi. He was always so jealous of me.

-Stop calling me emo! (cuts himself) I walk this lonely road… the only road that I have ever known… (cuts himself) don't know where it goes… but I'm the only one and I walk alone… (cuts himself and passes out)

**Sakura**

-I love you Naruto!

-Will you go out with me Naruto?

-My hair is actually black.

-I am not a fan girl!

-I hate you Sasuke.

-I love Kakashi!

-Porno is good for you!

-An annoying sadistic fan girl is so yesterday

-Naruto is so hot!

-I want some ramen

-I'm pregnant.

-I actually am a lesbian. Kidding!

-I'm not horny! What are you talking about!

-It's ok Kakashi. Everyone is late once in a while.

-I'm not a bitch!

**Hinata**

-Sasuke is way hotter than Naruto.

-I'm quitting that shy thing. It's so not for me!

-Naruto… do you want to have sex with me?

-I'm not a Hyuuga. I'm Naruto's sister.

-I'm actually poor.

-I feel so giddy today!

-This is not my actual hair color

-… (is laying on her bed listening to emo music)

-Neji is so hot!

-who's a cute bitch? I am!

-I want to kill myself…

**Jaraiya**

-Ewwwww!!! Porno!!!

-Yes, I am a well respected gentleman aren't I?

-Remember kids, read my porno books!

-What! You insult me by saying that I was the disgusting imbecile that made those profound pornographic novels! I say to you kind sir, good day! (puts on monocle, got a cane and walks away with his poster straight and nose in the air)

-That's it…no more girls for me…

-I'm abstinent!

-I love Tsunade!

-Will you marry me?

-I'm ready for a commitment.

**Tsunade**

-For now on, I'm sober!

-I hate alcohol!

-No more sake for me…

-I am not a kid pedophile!

-I love you Jaraiya!

-I'm self conscious about the size of my boobs. They're too big.

-I am not a total whore!

-Fuck me

-Ewww!!! Slugs!!!

-Naruto, care to "step into" my "office?" (winkwink)

-I never wanted to be a medic nin. I wanted to be a fairy princess!

-I wear a bra.

-Like I'll ever wanted to be a bitch! It's not my fault!

-I'm taking off my genjutsu to show my real age!

-Die.

**Kakashi**

-Where were you guys? I was here for 3 hours already!

-I'm early for training!

-I'm going to completely ignore Sasuke and focus all my attention to Naruto.

-I hate pornography!

-I need a new job. Porno studio, here I come!

- (burns come, come paradise) there! No more porno for me!

-My peripheral vision is fine! I'm- (runs into a tree)

-The hell with porno, I'm going to focus my attention to this banana nut pie!

-I'm happy and exited!

-I hate you Sasuke.

-Sorry I'm late, I just had sex- ummm… er… I mean… aids are bad... Bye!

-I'm not a pervert!

- (in Darth Vader voice) Sasuke khuuuun… I, am you're father! Khuuuun…

--X--

AJ that was part one! Wait for part two next time!

OVER AND OUT!!!


	2. Chapter 2

Serenity: here's the second part… sorry it took so long…

--X--

Shino

-it took me a bitch and a half to find a jacket I liked and your telling me to take it off! Hell no! Oh… I mean… (…) crap…

-let me get some of that ass!

-m-hm… so… are you going to say something? If not, then you are a douche bag. There is no (Bleep)ing way that you are copying me. Yeah, I thought so bitch.

-my reasoning matters here dammit!

-what the hell is with all these bugs? I should probably get some insect repellent or something…

-I'm so hot… (slowly takes off jacket) I feel like stripping… (CENSORED)

-WHAT THE HELL?!? THERE ARE BUGS INSIDE ME?!? WHAT THE (BLEEP) IS (BLEEP)ING WRONG WITH YOU, YOU MOTHER (BLEEP)ING (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP)ING (BLEEP) (BLEEP) YOU STUPID DIP(BLEEP) MOTHER (BLEEP)ING (BLEEP)HOLE!!!

-We're here to take our… clothes off! (That's sexy!) We're here to party! (Party-y) all night! (All night!)

-whoever says that I'm creepy will die! (a person yells out he's creepy and gets shot in the head with a gun) what the hell did I just tell you! Stupid white-ass cracker… (Pounds his chest with his right hand and does the peace sign) Tupac for life ya'll, my bitches!

Kiba

-man… my mom's such a bitch… wait…

-oh oh oh oh oh oh!!! Bunnnnnnnniiiiiieeeeeesssss!!!! (claps hands and chases them) bunnnniiieeeesss!!!

-Who let the bitches out! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Who let the bitches out! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! (all the girls in the anime preceded to slaughter him)

-hm… you know, maybe I _should_ get neutered…

-all in all, I love cats more than dogs. Because one, they don't leave piss stains all over the house, (glares at Akamaru) two, you don't have to deal with all the (BLEEP)ing hassle of getting them housebroken, and three, they could actually know how to comfort their owner instead of just letting them (BLEEP) your leg. Because seriously, that is getting so annoying. Whoever tries to change my opinion otherwise will die. I'm too young for this crap…

-Akamaru: wait a minute, since when could I talk?… … … oh hell no!

-you know, you seriously got to consider the logical conclusion to this predicament. We need to construct an effective antithesis in order to collaborate to this field of conjunction. Otherwise, we would entirely be underestimating the tangible potential and assistance that we can acquire due to our decisive philosophy.

-Jimmy is on crack and corn and I don't care… Jimmy is on crack and… you know what, screw it. I'm going to the army and become a (BLEEP)ing cook… I don't know why, but back the hell away… crap… I think I'm on crack and corn now…

Tayuya

-ahh… what a beautiful day! The birds are singing, the squirrels are scurrying, and the sun is HOLY (BLEEP) OF (BLEEP) (BLEEP)ING DIP(BLEEP) (BLEEP) MOTHER (BLEEEP) JACK(BLEEP)!!… … … damn turret's…

-OMG OMG OMG!!! Are you ok Naruto? Do you need rest? Do you need bandages! Do you need a hug? Do you want me to kiss your booboo? How about a fresh bowl of ramen? I care because I love YOOOOOOOUUUUU!!!!

-Dammit... why a flute… why a freakin' flute… I wanted a damn guitar but noooooo! I had to get a damn flute for my birthday! I hate you all so (BLEEP)ing much!

-… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … I think my breasts are too big… yeah… don't know what the hell happened there… so… yeah…

-(defeats Naruto) ha! Now that I defeated you, you are my bitch now! Now get into that bedroom and strip!

-A weasel… a (BLEEP)ing weasel… out of all the animals to get beaten by, I had to get defeated by a damn weasel… now I'm stuck under this (BLEEP)ing tree! And my flute is broken! Can things get any worse? (a dog appears out of nowhere and pisses all over her face)

Iruka

-Naruto, I swear the (BLEEP)ing god, if you say BELIEVE IT one more (BLEEP)ing time, I am going to rip out your throat, shove it down your throat, pierce your (BLEEP)ing scrawny-ass balls, and scream BELIEVE IT in your ear to (BLEEP)ing show how annoying it is! Because I swear to god, I am going to kill you, you stupid, short, ugly, skinny son of a bitch! And I will not hesitate to do so!

-Iruka: damn… Sakura's got a tight ass…

Sakura: Iruka s-sensei!!!

Iruka: yeah! That's right! Scream my name! Woo!

Sakura: you pervert!

Iruka: You know you want it! Smack that big ass! Growl!

Sakura: get away from me you freak!

Iruka: playing hard to get huh? I could play too! Except I make the girls that play hard to get, easy to get! Damn!

Sakura: don't make me kill you!

Iruka: damn, feisty woman! I like that!

Sakura: I-I'm telling on you!

Iruka: tell away baby. Tell away!

-Kakashi… (gets on one knee) will you marry me?

-Sigh… I hate you all right now…

-Yeah! I'm a chunnin bitch! What cha gonna do about it huh? Huh? What now sucka! I will go wild on your ass! Yeah punk! Run awa- (gets impaled by hundreds of kunai by extremely pissed off ninjas)

-hey ladies. Wanna see my kunai, if you get the drift? Come on, let's go to my apartment and play ninja!

-DUDE! I just got the latest Naruto video game and it is so freakin' awesome!!!

-Sanji(From One Piece): hey look over there. A dolphin!

(Iruka jumps up from the water, does a back flip, and dives back in the water)

Luffy: cool!!!

Sanji: what the hell…

Anko

-Sadistic? Sadistic? I'm not sadistic! Don't make me rip out your organs, eat them in front of you while your still alive, and give you to Orochimaru to do whatever gay thing he always does! Now we'll see who's sadistic!!! Wait…

-you know… now that I think about it… I hate my life… I'm going to kill myself now… (walks away)

-there is nothing like a fresh corpse in my room to get my day started! Wait, what? Dammit… not again…

-I… I think I'm a lesbian…

-stop calling me a pedophile dammit! Just because I licked Naruto's cheek and sexily whispered in his ear, doesn't mean I like little kids! Oh wait… damn…

-wait, dango? I was eating dogs all along?!? … (takes another bite) hm… this crap taste good…

-hm… should I go out with Iruka? Sure! Then I'll kill you for making that suggestion because there is no way I'm going out with that dolphin! The day I'll go out with him is the day pigs fly! (Ino flies across the room with small wings) sigh… dammit…

-hm… why are the snakes going toward me? And why do they have lustful looks in their eyes? And why is one of them feeling up my leg? Oh crap…

--X--

Serenity: and there we go… I hope y-you enjoyed that… wait f-for the other ones… there are s-still more… so… see ya…


	3. Chapter 3

AJ: pssh…

Rock: yeah?

AJ: I hate irony…

Rock: why?

AJ: no reason… (he says as he tries to cover up the fact that Ashly was a pervert and-)

--X--

Orochimaru

-I only do this for educational purposes. Now shut up and strip.

-Orochimaru: dude…

Itachi: yeah?

Orochimaru: I just came to a realization…

Itachi: what is it?

Orochimaru: What if I was like… a ninja man… like a… a cool ninja with like… like powers and stuff…

Itachi: … go on…

Orochimaru: but… but not just any cool ninja with powers… a ninja who has like… snake powers and stuff… and like… a long tongue and stuff… you know what I mean?

Itachi: …

Orochimaru: …

Itachi: you're stoned off your rocker aren't you?

Orochimaru: that is a distinct possibility…

-Orochimaru: I just want your body Sassssssssssuke! (hugs him) come on! It won't hurt a bit! I promise! I'll be gentle! It won't hurt! It's my first time but… I'll promise to do my best! Come on! You know you want it! I love that sexy body of yours! It'll be a waste that it has to be used for some girl's pleasure!

Sasuke: someone get this freak off me!

-I don't have a dildo in my drawer I swear! Yessir-e! No dildo there! Nothing to hide there! I don't- No wait! Kabuto don't open that! That's where I kept my vibrator!

…

Told you I don't have a dildo.

-okay, okay… I admit… I'm a pedophile… happy now? Feel like a big man making me say that huh? Feel like you're on top of the world huh? That… that you made me say that huh? Huh? You know, if you weren't a girl I'll bitch slap you.

-Orochimaru: You know, the long tongue was actually for another purpose before I decided to use it as another extension for battle.

Anko: what was it?

Orochimaru: I'll tell you when you're older. But for now, I'll just tell you it involves kids, boys, a long tongue, and Michael Jackson.

Anko: O.O What the fuck…?

-Sigh… I'm 50 years old now… but the only action I get is with little kids… by the way, how is my brother Michael Jackson doing?

-Okay, I live in an underground base with a dude name Kabuto as my assistant, and I keep a bunch of men in cells so I can take over their body whenever I feel like it, NOT CREEPY!

-Why is it when I say 'I want your body' to guys, people take it the wrong way? All I want to do is to tie them to my bed, rip off their clothes, fuck them as hard as I can, and then force them to become my bitch. What does that has to do anything with taking over people's bodies?

Haku

-I protect people that are precious to me. That could explain why I seem to be sexually aroused whenever I'm with Zabuza. He makes me feel good inside.

-Why the hell do people think I'm a girl? Just because I have a pretty face, a set of breast, no penis, and a vagina, people think I'm a fucking girl! Zabuza said I'm a boy! He never lies to me!

-Fine I'll admit it! I'm his sex slave! Happy now!

-(He walks up to Naruto who was out cold after the tree climbing exercise)

…

…

…

(CENSORED)

(CENSORED)

(CENSORED)

(CENSORED)

-Haku: Zabuza!

Zabuza: What do you want?

Haku: Look what I made out of ice! (Holds up an ice stick with two round objects on its sides that suspicious looks like a-)

Zabuza: um…

Haku: What's wrong?

Zabuza: nothing. But for now on, pretend that you're a guy understand?

Haku: why?

Zabuza: no reason…

-Pie… I really love pie… I love it so much, that I stuck a dildo up my as to get some. Yeah… and for the record, I'm a girl. It's not creepy. Really. Yeah… pie…

-(faces Naruto when they were fighting and starts thinking) _yeah… what I'll do to Naruto if these people weren't around… first, I'll fuck him on the bridge, then, I'll fuck him on that crate over there… then, I'll ask Sakura something and we'll have a three-way fuck at that bridge-builders house… afterwards, I'll fuck him on top of Zabuza when he's sleeping and laugh at him when he realized what we both did on top of him… yeah… that's what I'll do…_

Ino

-I just noticed something, things happen when I fly!

…

Why did my mom name me Ino…

-Damn… Sakura has a wide forehead… I should become her friend… yeah! That's it! I'll become her friend because someday, I'll use her forehead as a mirror! It's a perfect plan!

-_My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard!_

_And they're like, it's better than yours!_

_Your damn right! It's better than yours!_

_I could teach you, but I have to charge!_

-There is a reason why I had bandages as a skirt for a while, but I'll tell you when you're older.

-If you ever fucking call me Ino-pig again, I'll fucking cut your head off and use it for a vase for one my flowers you pink haired bitch!

-I never really liked Sasuke. It was only a ruse to get Naruto's attention. He's way hotter!

-Did I mention I'm Naruto's sister?

Sarutobi

-I AM THE FUCKING 3RD HOKAGE! I AM THE PIMP OF KONOHA AND THE CITIZENS ARE MY BITCHES! SO WHY IS IT THAT I CAN'T GET A FUCKING BITCH TO COME HERE AND GIVE ME A GODDAMN BEER! I DON'T CARE THAT WHE'RE IN JAPAN, I WANT ONE OF YOU BITCHES TO GET ME ONE NOW!

-Ah yes… bitches makes me happy…

-Damn… Moegi looks so good right now…

-Generic Chunnin #32: Hokage-sama! Someone stole the forbidden-

(the Chunnin stands there shocked and stares at Sarutobi and Iruka, which the latter was tied up bondage style and Sarutobi was holding a paddle with holes in it, and looked like he was about to spank Iruka's ass)

Iruka: dammit! Don't people know when to knock first!

Generic Chunnin #32: s-sorry…

-(30 years ago)

Sarutobi: (on his chair at his desk) Ah… yes… it's good to be Hokage… we should always remember the respect and dignity that people rightfully deserve. All people are created equal, and in this day and age of ours, we shall always respect that…

Tsunade: (gets up from under the desk and licks off some white stuff from her cheeks) ugh… am I done yet?

Sarutobi: you'll know Tsunade, you'll know…

-_Smack that, all on the floor_

_Smack that, give me some more_

_Smack that, 'till you get sore_

_Smack that, o-o-o-o-oh!_

--X--

Serenity: …

Rock: what…

Ashly: the…

Andrew: fuck?

AJ: I know…


End file.
